You Don’t Have to Go to Heaven, But You Can’t Stay Here

Well, the Thrill City Fantasy Celebrity Death League draft was completed last Friday, and I think I’ve drafted a team that can put up some big numbers this year.

Team Name: Tupac, or Not Tupac

Team Motto: Bring Out Your Dead!

Team Captain: Albert Hoffman, age 104, creator of LSD and bicycling enthusiast

Team Messiah: Charlton Heston

Team Director: Sydney Pollack

Team Wife: Elizabeth Taylor

Team Trainwreck: Courtney Love

Team Recovery Coach: Betty Ford

Team Raging Bull: Jake LaMotta

Team Futurist: Arthur C. Clarke

Team Manager: Tommy Lasorda

Team Scapegoat: Bobby Brown

Team Thriller: Michael Jackson

Team Promoter: Don King

Team Overrated Rock Visionary: Captain Beefheart

Team Mascot: Fats Domino

Team Crooner: Tony Bennett

Team President: Hamid Karzai

Team Ace: Bob Feller

Team Knot-tying Specialist: BTK

Team Jackass: Andy Rooney

Team Phenom: Lindsay Lohan

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12 Responses to You Don’t Have to Go to Heaven, But You Can’t Stay Here

  1. Nathan D says:

    Who drafted William F. Buckley?

  2. pipelineblog says:

    Nobody! He wasn’t on any of the lists I looked at, although truthfully I only looked at one that I didn’t create myself. But one of our members, Tess, is a pretty hardcore death leaguer, and she didn’t draft him. Curious to know if he was on her draft list, tough. Tess just was keenly up to date on the conditions of a lot of obscure people and general public figures. Sure, I knew Larry Hagman had a liver transplant a few years ago due to lifelong drinking. Tess knew he had just gone back into rehab for drinking, at age 76, on his second liver. She’s probably going to double my score in this league. She not only drafted Elizabeth Edwards, she also got Tony Snow. She’s the Yankees of the league. She stole Ron Santo from me, too.

  3. David R says:

    I’m use to ridicule for being a hardcore fantasy sports player, but I can’t imagine putting the time and effort into being a hardcore death leaguer.

  4. Jeff H says:

    It looks promising, but do you lose four points if Albert Hoffman dies?

  5. pipelineblog says:

    No, everybody’s worth at least 1 point. And if your team captain dies, that’s 25 points.

  6. pipelineblog says:

    Actually, Dave, the leg work on this one is minimal. For one thing, the pool of draftees is slightly larger than your average league. And we only change our rosters once every three months. Easiest fantasy league I’ve ever played in.

  7. Dave R says:

    No, I didn’t mean general purpose participation. My comment was in reference to your friend described as a “hardcore death leaguer” who was all over the declining health conditions of lots of obscure people.

    I don’t mean it as an indictment either, just that its hard for me to understand her passion for it despite my own passion for a different but similar niche pastime.

  8. pipelineblog says:

    It’s actually pretty easy. There are some great websites out there, all you really have to do is print the list and work from that. Unlike sports fantasy, there tends to be less fluctuation in performance, and there’s only one category that matters.

  9. David R says:

    Well, more power to ya, brother. Although now that I think about it this new hobby dovetails quite nicely with your fantasy bball gimmick where you chose a new dead celebrity each week to serve as your mascot.


    Jane, has Doug taken to wearing black around the house and listening to the Cure exclusively? Perhaps posting on 6 Feet Under and/or Dexter fan sits? Asked for the memoirs of Allister Crowley for his birthday? Just something to keep an eye on…

  10. pipelineblog says:

    Jeff Healy, dead. Undrafted, though I know he was on some people’s lists.

  11. Dave Kingston says:

    This is morbid. But you gotta pass along fantasy news, right?
    Grab Patrick Swayze.

  12. pipelineblog says:

    And of course, Patrick Swayze and Jeff Healy would be a potential winner of the “Birds of a Feather” bonus, as they were both in Road House. But reports today are that rumors of Swayze’s demise may be premature; his doctors think he has a very good chance to live longer than 5 weeks. Or, in other words, perhaps until our supplemental draft in July.

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