Dead Pool

Friends, I’m joining a death league, made up of friends and friends of friends. I have no moral qualms about this, and don’t try to convince me I should. Rules are as follows:

  • Scoring-100 minus age at death.
  • No one under the age of 16 is eligible. (The Jamie Lynn Spears Rule)
  • The death has to be carried on the AP wire to be recognized as a celebrity death.
  • League goes for one full year.
  • Roster of 20 people, 10 active and 10 reserves, roster changes every quarter, supplemental draft at 6 months.
  • Your team captain is worth 25 extra points if they pass.
  • If the word “vomit” appears in an obituary, that’s 10 extra points. (The John Bonham Rule)
  • If a blood alcohol level appears in an obituary, you get points equal to BAC*100. (The Steve Prefontaine Rule)
  • If there’s a murder-suicide involving someone on your roster, you get points for both. (The Phil Hartman Rule)
  • Whoever can make the best case that two roster members’ deaths were related wins Birds of a Feather, worth 25 points.
  • $10 fee
  • No points awarded for people team owners actually kill themselves

The only question is who should be my top draft choice. Courtney Love’s predraft workouts have been impressive, to say the least. And Steve Fossett has an air of inevitability to him that makes him hard to resist, but will he show up when it matters? Britney is obviously coming on strong, but I’m concerned she’s really more media hype than anything, which makes me want to pick a former media darling like Whitney Houston instead.

Which reminds me, did this Onion headline ever exist, or is it just me: “Area Man Kills Self to Win Death League”?

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8 Responses to Dead Pool

  1. bsiemers says:

    is there a draft or can all the participants have overlapping team members?

  2. Steve C says:

    Oh, Amy Winehouse, dude. A no-brainer.

  3. Jim says:

    Steve is dead on there. If you’ll forgive the pun. Amy Winehouse was spotted recently doing CRACK.

    Other picks I like include:

    Michael Jackson
    Dick Cheney
    Pope Benedict
    John Goodman (weighs about 800 pounds)
    Jimmy Carter
    Jake Gyllenhall (Brokeback Mountain Curse)

  4. Scotch says:

    When’s the draft? Sign me up before Ed Asner eats another cheeseburger off a Haitan hooker’s meth-covered stomach in Fallujah.

  5. pipelineblog says:

    There is a draft, no overlapping of team members.

    Amy Winehouse is definitely on the list. Several lists, in fact. John Goodman’s a good call; I might be able to get a twofer with him and Louie Anderson.

  6. david says:

    1) New Mormon President

    2) Jimmy Carter

    3) George Shearing (jazz musician – 88)

    4) Sandy Keith

    5) Walter Mondale

    6) Khalid Sheik Mohammed (or perhaps executions don’t count?)

    7) Etta James

    8) Morgan Freeman

  7. pipelineblog says:

    Yeah, you can’t draft anybody on death row. Or from Death Row Records. But you can draft somebody in anticipation of them being put to death, like when HRC finally pays the price for Vince Foster!

  8. blaze says:

    I use to be in a dead pool…..not quite elaborate as yours but we had some serious players. Some useful sites;

    Don’t forget about the Political leaders in hostile countries.

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