Friends, I’m joining a death league, made up of friends and friends of friends. I have no moral qualms about this, and don’t try to convince me I should. Rules are as follows:
- Scoring-100 minus age at death.
- No one under the age of 16 is eligible. (The Jamie Lynn Spears Rule)
- The death has to be carried on the AP wire to be recognized as a celebrity death.
- League goes for one full year.
- Roster of 20 people, 10 active and 10 reserves, roster changes every quarter, supplemental draft at 6 months.
- Your team captain is worth 25 extra points if they pass.
- If the word “vomit” appears in an obituary, that’s 10 extra points. (The John Bonham Rule)
- If a blood alcohol level appears in an obituary, you get points equal to BAC*100. (The Steve Prefontaine Rule)
- If there’s a murder-suicide involving someone on your roster, you get points for both. (The Phil Hartman Rule)
- Whoever can make the best case that two roster members’ deaths were related wins Birds of a Feather, worth 25 points.
- $10 fee
- No points awarded for people team owners actually kill themselves
The only question is who should be my top draft choice. Courtney Love’s predraft workouts have been impressive, to say the least. And Steve Fossett has an air of inevitability to him that makes him hard to resist, but will he show up when it matters? Britney is obviously coming on strong, but I’m concerned she’s really more media hype than anything, which makes me want to pick a former media darling like Whitney Houston instead.
Which reminds me, did this Onion headline ever exist, or is it just me: “Area Man Kills Self to Win Death League”?