Reals

Props to Pipeline Person PaulH for forwarding this story about real-life superheroes, or “reals”. My favorite is Citizen Prime, strictly because of the use of the word “Prime” in the name. It suggests a potent combination of beef and mathematical significance, which I think we can all agree are two important attributes for any superhero.

Naturally, after I read that story I was tempted to concoct my own superhero persona and getup. Unfortunately, I don’t have $4000 to shell out on custom-made armor or a phatass Corvette. Nor do I look particularly good in lycra.

Worst of all, I don’t know any martial arts, although in middle school my friends Clinton and Charlie and I somehow obtained a martial arts magazine and ordered an arsenal of throwing stars, nunchucks, and terrycloth bath robes. This led to a bizarre three month fascination with hurling throwing stars at the back of my garage, among other things, and in retrospect it’s remarkable that only the garage was seriously injured. That said, a throwing star makes for a bad weapon if it’s the only weapon you have, because it’s harmful enough to really piss somebody off, but typically not lethal enough to disable them unless you hit them in the jugular or groin. And what kind of superhero would hit somebody in the groin with a throwing star?  Crotchman?

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7 Responses to Reals

  1. Steve C says:

    Hey, Butters didn’t need all that fancy crap to become Professor Chaos! Neither do you. I think there are many monikers and potential super abilities that abound.

  2. Jeff H says:

    You’d think so, but I bet it’s a challenge to find a name for which the .com domain isn’t already registered.

  3. Nathan D says:

    You mean this?

    Or, if that embed didn’t work, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrdfBWNIhBM

  4. pipelineblog says:

    No. Not like that at all.

  5. Steve C says:

    We can come up with something, I’m sure. Let’s start with your name. The Doug? No, sounds too creepy and like a Scrubs reference. The Hen? No, that is certainly the worst idea DC comics could ever come up with. How about The Seer. You use your powers of observation to see all evil and crime in the world. Maybe. Too much like Psych. Okay, step two. What are you afraid of? We can go the Batman route. Any wild animals you have come in contact with lately that could poison you with superpowers? I don’t think the Possum will work too well. Weather phenomena? Snow, that could work, your ability to freeze and numb criminals into states of hypothermia in which they admit the truth. Nah, sounds like a member of the American Gladiators team. Sorry, my man, I’m having troubles.

  6. Brien says:

    How do you know you don’t look good in lycra?

  7. campk says:

    Seems like Squirrels can play a theme based on recent posts. How about Squirrely? all you need is some faux fur.

    And while I am posting, can we get some crosslinked love on Pipleine to CampK?

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