Free Three

My friends Cliff and Kari have this thing they call the Free Three, which are three famous people they each want to have sex with whom the other can’t object to. It’s their version of the traditional discussion of “Who Would You…”, people everyone can safely acknowledge are hot because none of us will ever have the chance to cash in our tickets to that dance.

Their rule is the person has to be suitably famous, i.e., not the hot woman in the local band you could conceivably meet at a party, or your neighbor, or your ex-boyfriend, even if they do happen to be famous. And the person’s fame has to be more than just being mentioned in the local paper, such as for getting a DUI or appearing in an obituary.

Strangely, I can’t recall any of Cliff’s three, despite having had the conversation with them a number of times. For some reason the names Kevin Garnett and Steve Nash come to mind. Kari’s list has the obligatory Brad Pitt (“I’ve been on to him since Thelma and Louise!”), and Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom are also up there.

I’m pretty sure Jane’s list goes something like Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp and Denzel Washington, but I suppose that could change depending on circumstances.

My list, today at least, goes Salma Hayek, Maggie Gyllenhaal (A new addition. Welcome to the club!), and Madeline Albright.

I wonder when the first occurrence of this conversation took place, ever. In 1792, were husbands and wives joking about their free passes for Ben Franklin and…uh…Betsy Ross? No, of course not. First of all, there were no famous people then, not in the sense that you would consider them as people to have sex with. You have to have stars to talk about star-fucking.

Second of all, women’s liberation had to happen before husbands and wives could realistically joke about something like that. Old-timey people just didn’t have conversations about who the woman might want to have sex with out of wedlock. Just didn’t happen. How do I know that? Pure conjecture, of course, but I stand by my lack of research unless and until any oldsters out there want to prove me wrong with reminiscences about Tyrone Power and Mary Pickford.

Yes, I believe the first conversation of this nature happened in 1958, when a progressive couple in New York City first hypothesized what it would be like to swing with Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe. When they told their friends about it at a cocktail party the following weekend there was shock and outrage, but only because TV and Hollywood had not yet provided enough stars to properly fantasize about.

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11 Responses to Free Three

  1. dbeimers says:

    Madeleine Albright? Dude, that’s disgusting. Have some respect for the dead! Oh wait, I was thinking about Jeane Kirkpatrick… never mind. Perhaps you were thinking of Madeleine Kahn? Could you keep a straight face while having sex with Madeleine Kahn?

  2. pipelineblog says:

    Madeline Kahn is also dead, but not as freshly dead as Jeane Kirkpatrick, whom a well-positioned necrophiliac could actually be having sex with right now.

    I really didn’t intend for this conversation to go this route, and now I’m thinking I should have stuck with Sylvia Paggioli instead of switching to Ambassador Albright.

  3. Paggioli? If we’re going for radio reporters my clear vote would be Nina Totenberg.

    And come on, you stuck Albright in there just to see if anyone was paying attention. Or, are you nursing a fetish? Hmm.

  4. Well, well. Look who’s an AGEIST!

  5. cliff says:

    Kari nevr lets me count the hot chick w/ dreads from the local troupe, No Pants Dancers. Sarah Silverman, Nicole Kidman (for the craziness of it all – seriously, ever wonder if the reason Cruise flipped out and Keith Urban went into rehab four months into their marriage might just be her?) and Michelle
    Wie.

    MA? What, did she just nudge out Dr. Ruth?

  6. Kari says:

    Michelle Wie??? This is a new addition plus…isn’t that, like, illegal?? She’s underage, man!

  7. dbeimers says:

    Sarah Silverman, Nicole Kidman, and Michelle Wie… You know it’s a strange list when Sarah Silverman is considered the “normal” one.

  8. Jim says:

    Isn’t Michelle Wie something like 13 years old? Damnation, Cliff!

    My list includes Sarah Michelle Gellar, Scarlett Johanssen, and either Beyonce or Kate Beckinsale.

    Either way, the choice of Madeleine Albright is…..peculiar.

  9. martha says:

    Seriously dude. You are supposed to put MA on the list of famous people you want to have dinner with. DINNER.

  10. Naturally, our evening would include eating out.

    OK, now I’ve taken the Madeline Albright thing to far. I’m going to dump her from the list because I read on some right-wing blog how she screwed up the former Yugoslavia. If there’s one thing I can’t have in a woman, it’s contributing to strife in the former Yugoslavia.

    The coveted open spot on the list could be occupied by Liz Phair, Scarlett Johanssen, or Barbara Bush (the daughter, not the mother, not after the emotional scars MA left me with).

    Michelle Wie is perfectly legal, when judged by standards of wealth and height, but most importantly, fame. This is a list of “famous” people you would sleep with, not “legal” people. Besides, you know how the saying goes: “Old enough to putt…”

  11. David says:

    Michelle Wie is 17 years old. That’s legal. Anyway, she doesn’t like boys… they annoy her (I read that in TeenBeat).

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