Candy Bowl Bottoms

Our Halloween candy bowl, once so proud and full of decadance, is down to the dregs. As of right now, the inventory reads:

5 Jolly Rancher products, various types
4 medium length Tootsie Rolls, traditional “chocolate” flavor
4 Gummy Body Parts (2 ears, 1 eye, 1 nose)
3 small flavored Tootsie Rolls
3 small Twizzlers products
2 small boxes of Dots (also by Tootsie)
2 nondescript marshmallow items in garish plastic wrap
1 Now and Later, grape flavor

I predicted we would still be working on the bowl come Thanksgiving, and given that lineup I feel confident my prognositications will come to fruition. But not by much. Each day, people peer into the bowl and hope something magical has happened to replace the Dots with something better.

It’s not rational to think that bad candy will simply disappear in favor of good candy, but it doesn’t stop us from looking. Inevitably, the Twizzlers start to look a little better than, say, the Jolly Ranchers, just like the Life Savers no longer in the bowl looked better than the Twizzlers.

It’s one thing to have hypothetical discussions about this candy or that candy being better than the other, but all that becomes moot once you are faced with the dregs of the Halloween bowl. There, push comes to shove and the natural order sorts itself out. ALL of one kind of candy will be consumed before taking another devolutionary step to inferiority and the next-worst candy, where Tootsie Rolls become sought-after prizes to be fought over.

There does, of course, come a point where not a single person will eat the remaining candy. It’s a given that the Tootsie Rolls, Twizzlers, and perhaps some of the Jolly Ranchers will eventually find a taker, but they have competition coming from the Christmas candies to come, so the clock is ticking for them.

Tonight, however, the magical transformation occurred. Lily reached into the bowl and pulled out a Snickers bar. I did a double take, because it’s been two weeks since a relatively top-shelf candy like that was in the bowl, but sure enough, there it was. Turns out it had been in Linus’s backpack and Jane put it in the bowl this morning.

There was a Crunch bar, too.

But that was it, and now they are gone, and we have only the list above. It’s hard to believe that people would make a conscious decision to pass off these inferior candies when the have free license and ample opportunity to find candies like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, or Skittles, or Chick–O-Stiks. I’m glad that we don’t have a record of who gave us these candies, especially those two weird marshmallow balls. It would diminish them in my eyes, perhaps unfairly.

But let this be a lesson to all who give candy on Halloween: Don’t buy any of the candies on this list. Ever.

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2 Responses to Candy Bowl Bottoms

  1. Dave R says:

    I think you are unfairly giving Jolly Ranchers the shaft by lumping them along with those other candy has-beens. J.R.s may not be “top shelf”, but they ain’t no damned tootsie roll either. And Chick-o-sticks? Please. Chick-o-sticks can suck it, as far as I’m concerned.

    Nice new site, BTW…

  2. This is very nice and informative post. I have bookmarked your site in order to find out your post in the future.

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